I travelled up to Birmingham yesterday and met up with my friend Rachel who I met at university and lived with for a year. It was really fun. Long, long day though. I ended up being out of the house for practically 12 hours (literally five minutes more and it would have been 12 hours). But so worth it.

I had a wander round the shops while I was waiting for her, we went to Pizza Hut, had another wander round the shops together and then went to the theatre to see the Mary Poppins musical. Went to Starbucks for a drink after (couldn’t track down an accessible pub on our way), wandered a little in paperchase then came home. Didn’t buy anything in all that shopping but I did get some merchandise at the theatre.

I loved loved LOVED the show. It’s touring at present but instead of a week here and a week there it’s just doing a couple of months each in about four or five places. I’m glad I had my initial “Birmingham is too far” thoughts (figuratively) slapped out of my head and arranged to go. The best bit was seeing the different ways in which they did things which were in the film. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was probably the best of those.

Some parts of the show aren’t in the film and vice versa. Rachel said she didn’t like one of the songs that isn’t in the film and whilst I didn’t think it was the best of the songs I wouldn’t go so far as to say I didn’t like that. To me the differences were part of what made it so magical.

And it was magical, it really was. There were stunts done in there that I didn’t think were possible in a small touring production. But then again 1) I don’t know this can be called “small” and 2) I suspect that might be part of the reason why they aren’t doing a huge multi-venue tour.

I think my favourite-ist song was one that wasn’t in the film - Anything Can Happen.

It’s got great lyrics which make me laugh and smile. And a fabulous message, one I need reminding of now and then - Anything can happen if you let it - I’d not thought I needed that reminder now but I guess I did because it’s made me feel more determined about a few things I’ve been debating.

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen if you let it
Sometimes things are difficult but you can bet it
Doesn’t have to be so

[JANE]
Changes can be made

[MICHAEL]
You can move a mountain if you use a larger spade

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen, it’s a marvel

[MICHAEL]
You can be a butterfly

[JANE]
Or just stay larval

[JANE & MICHAEL]
Stretch your mind beyond fantastic
Dreams are made of strong elastic

[MARY POPPINS]
Take some sound advice and don’t forget it

[WINIFRED, JANE & MICHAEL]
Anything can happen if you let it

[WINIFRED]
I wonder…

[ALL]
Anything can happen if you let it

[WINIFRED]
You won’t know a challenge until you’ve met it

[MICHAEL]
No one does it for you

[WINIFRED]
No one but yourself
Vacillating violets get left up on the shelf
Anything can happen, just imagine

[MARY POPPINS]
That should be epitaph
I wear the badge in
Hhonour of this world’s free thinkers

[WINIFRED]
Those who see beyond their blinkers

[JANE & MICHAEL]
Jelly isn’t jelly

[WINIFRED, JANE & MICHAEL]
‘Til you set it
Anything can happen if you let it

[MARY POPPINS]
Anything can happen if you let it
What good is a whistle

[BERT]
Unless you whet it

[MARY POPPINS & BERT]
Broaden your horizons

[BERT]
Open different doors

[MARY POPPINS & BERT]
You may find a you there that you never knew was yours

[BERT & MRS CORRY]
Anything can happen

[MRS CORRY]
Raise the curtain
Things you though impossible

[BERT & MRS CORRY]
Will soon seem certain
Thought at first it may sound clownish
See the world more upside-downish
Turn it on its head then pirouette it

[BERT, MRS CORRY & LAMP-LIGHTERS]
Anything can happen if you let it

[MARY POPPINS]
If you reach for the stars
All you get are the stars
But we’ve found a whole new spin
If you reach for the heavens
You get the stars thrown in

[ALL]
You get the stars thrown in

If you reach for the stars
All you get are the stars
But we’ve found a whole new spin
If you reach for the heavens
You get the stars thrown in

Anything can happen if you let it
Life is out there waiting so go and get it
Grab it by the collar, seize it by the scruff
Once you’ve started living life you just can’t get enough

Anything can happen, it’s official
You can choose the super or the superficial
Sally forth the way we’re steering
Obstacles start disappearing
Go and chase your dreams you won’t regret it
Anything can happen
(Anything can happen)
Anything can happen

[MARY POPPINS, JANE & MICHAEL]
Anything can happen

[ALL]
If you let it

A long time ago, on a Tuesday in February, I was diagnosed with depression.  And one week later on another Tuesday I received a phone call.

I was excited when I saw who was calling on the screen of my mobile.  But I should have known it wasn’t a good thing - because we were great friends but she never called me - it was always text and e-mail with the very odd letter.   Never in a million years did I expect what came next.  She had died the day before.

This year marks five years since the day I received that diagnosis. the day a week later when I received that phone call is five years ago tomorrow.  She died five years ago today.  I don’t know how it can have been five years.  It feels like yesterday.
Thursday marks eight years since her older sister and another good friend of mine died.  I don’t know how it can have been eight years.  It feels like yesterday.

And 11 days ago was the first birthday of Stevie’s since he left us.  In three months it will be a year - but it still definitely feels like the rainy day I sat watching candles burn and watching the rain poor down the window in my back door was yesterday.

February isn’t a great month for me, I really don’t like it.   But this year I’m working on the premise that “February is fabulous”.  And I’m remembering my friends by having fun and doing things and simply by LIVING.

I can’t say I haven’t had bad minutes/hours/days.  Because I have.  But it has made it easier.

I got told something today that would usually send me spinning and upset me.  Today I was just really amused - and I also thought it was really pathetic.  I think maybe this attitude is making me a bit of a bitch.  But it works for me.

I’m enjoying February more than I have in the longest time.

A Review of 2007 In Survey Form

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Got a tattoo. Learned to knit. Helped to run training for new people at work. Saw Daniel Radcliffe naked.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I had goals I was working towards - some I met and others I’m still working on.  Still others were unsuccessful.  I will set new goals for next year as I do frequently - reevaluating my life and situation.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my good friend and “older brother” Stevie died on 12th May (which also happens to be my mum’s birthday.  When I knew he was very ill and may die I lit candles and was simply praying for him.  But all I could pray was “not another death” and also think of this survey and pray that I could have year when I could answer no to this question.

5. What countries did you visit?

Ireland and Scotland (in June on my JST trip)

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

If I can I’d like to come off or reduce some of my medication but I refuse to beat myself up if it doesn’t happen.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

21st July - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows released

12th May - Stevie died

13th April, got my tat.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

The fact that as of this writing I only have to take my medication tomorrow and I won’t have missed a single dose this year.  For the girl who spent most of last year chosing not to take the damn tablets because she “couldn’t be bothered” or had better things to do or it was just too much like hard work that’s pretty damn amazing.

9. What was your biggest failure?

 Not standing up for myself more.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I actually think this year was pretty healthy for me; I had three spells of in bed for a few days illnesses and my spasticity levels are currently outrageously ridiculous BUT I only had two course of Abx and I didn’t miss a single dose of medication!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

New Matress and New dryer. The Jazzy also ought to have a mention here too.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Too many to mention

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Local government services - both in the way they treated me personally and with what I’ve seen through CAB.   Oh and the medical purser on my JST voyage.

14. Where did most of your money go?

My holiday

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to see KIM!!! We’d lost touch and hadn’t seen each other for three or four years.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

I really can’t think of one.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner

iii. richer or poorer? In real terms, probably poorer but I will say richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spending time with people; swimming.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Obsessing about things and getting stressed and depressed about them.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

At my parents house

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?

No, love is overrated

23. How many one-night stands?

None

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

Grey’s Anatomy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I have very different opinions of a few people but I wouldn’t go as far as saying I hate them, it’s too strong of a word.

26. What was the best book you read?

I had thought it would be Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  But whilst that was a good book and I did love it.  In some ways it was full of cliches and disappointing.  So, probably Pride and Prejudice.  A close second would be the book I’m reading now but as I’ve yet to finish it, it doesn’t count.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Voltaire, probably.

28. What did you want and get?

Lots of things - I’ve been making things happen for myself this year.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

I didn’t go to the cinema once so probably Simpsons Movie which we watched on DVD on my birthday.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Had dinner at my parents house, played a game of Articulate and watched the simpsons movie. We went to see Starlight Express (tix were my birthday present) a few days later. I turned 26!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nothing really.  I know that I couldn’t have undone the thing I hated most and I never can - so I refuse to obsess about it.  Especially because if it was undone I would never have learned certain lessons and wouldn’t even have realised the significance of it.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Clothes that don’t fit because they are either too big or too small!

34. What kept you sane?

Knitting, Reading

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Gordon Ramsay (is slightly ashamed of that answer)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Ashley X/Katie Thorpe/Charlotte Wyatt (although we here very little about her now) - right to life, eugenics and medical treatment with disabilities in short.  As a small side note, this is the 4th year I’ve done this quiz and at least the 3rd when Charlotte Wyatt has been the issue that stirred me most (or part of it)

37. Who did you miss?

Stevie. Nanny, Gran and to a lesser extent my two Grandad’s.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I refuse to name names as I don’t like this question. I know who they are however and it’s someone I met last year but got to know properly and truly call a friend this year.  Or actually there are two people that could be and it’s kind of both.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

Do or do not, there is no “try”

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well I’m not crazy
I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see a different side of me
I’m not crazy
I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be

~ Matchbox Twenty - Unwell.  Because it’s where I was and kind of where I still am.  Also because I’m leaving that behind and that deserves to be acknowledged.

Or because things are a lot better and this more accurately sums up where I am now:

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of
reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

~Anyway, Martina McBride

Well I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold, it’s a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What’s really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah.

This is probably going to be the first of several “songs of my life” entries written this week as I have a couple of other songs I want to put here.  And also it stops me having to write about how I’m feeling mentally/emotionally right now (not good).

I love this song.  I loved the Rufus Wainright version of this song (from Shrek) when I first heard it but then I heard this version a few weeks ago and it moved me even more.  I love it.

Mostly I just love the slow quiet peaceful feel it has.  It’s calming, healing almost.   And with my head a mess of thoughts and emotions, with my demon resurfacing once again, it is welcome.  It soothes me when my soul is troubled as it has been all too often just lately.  I don’t know if it’s the words or even the message - but it’s definitely the melody.  and it’s definitely all those things mixed together to form a whole that is greater than it’s parts.

I’ve never been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and I don’t think that I have it to it’s true extent.  But it’s certainly true that I struggle big style at this time of year.  I never noticed it before I went to uni and I used to think it came down to getting used to new carers, new housemates and new classes at this time of the year with the start of a new semester at the beginning of October.  Now however I can’t help thinking that definitely did play a part (because I am struggling more this year than last due to the drastic change in my support situation), the light and the lack of it as well as the cold weather, crisp breezes and icy paths played the biggest part.

It’s tough right now.

But I keep going.  Safe in the knowledge that I have sixteen more doses of medication to take this year - and then I won’t have missed a single dose in 2007.

I am making progress and leaving my demons mostly in my past.  It just doesn’t feel like it all the time.

As I posted earlier in the week, it wasn’t the best week for me. Particularly not Wednesday which was for reasons that I can’t talk about here.

It shocked me how much that one stupid little incident got to me and really got me down. In fact, it even scared me a little. Particularly because it was something relatively normal for me and that I could have no way predicted would trigger my depression. Usually I am vaguely away that things will/may be hard and I can prepare for that but this just blindsided me.

There is a tentative plan in place for me to come off of antidepressants at some point next year and I felt so bad that I was worried that long longed for chance was slipping through my fingers before it had even arrived. So feeling that bad was scary.

It comes back to the no longer having the perspective to know what a “normal” down day is. And also the PMS thing played a part, but not in how much it has stayed with me since.

I’ve restarted my PMS supplements since that day (in fact, all of my supplements) and I’ve been able to express all this to people who know the exact details. I even have a sort of semi plan in place to prevent the above happening again. I just need to find the strength to implement it properly and stick to my guns.

So writing this I guess it was a good to have bad experience - and coping with bad/tough experiences is sort of why I’m still a prozac princess - as my GP put it one of my biggest issues now is my confidence and we are hoping that a bit longer on meds dealing with normal life may build it up a bit.

Today I do feel a bit less down and a bit better.

Tough, scary, horrible week - done.

My battle - still going, still winning.

On the way home from Sainsbury’s at lunchtime this song came on my iPod. Says it all really.

Well, you filled up my head
With so many lies
Twisted my heart
Till something snapped inside
I’d like to give it one more try
But my give a damn’s busted

You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long
go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn’s busted

[chorus]
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
Naw, sorry, nothin’

You can say you’ve got issues
You can say you’re a victim
It’s all your parents’ fault, I mean
After all, you didn’t pick ‘em
Well, maybe somebody else has got time to listen
My give a damn’s busted

Well, your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the Prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uh, who’s your enabler these days
My give a damn’s busted

[chorus]
I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
No, still nothin’

It’s a desperate situation
No tellin’ what you’ll do
If I don’t forgive you
You say your life is through
Come on, give me somethin’ I can use
My give a damn’s busted

Well, I really wanna care
I wanna feel somethin’
Let me dig a little deeper
No man, sorry
Just nothin, nope
You’ve really done it this time
My give a damn’s busted

My Give a Damn’s Busted - Jo Dee Messina

New Year is fast approaching. Less than seven hours left of this one and then it’s goodbye to 2006.

What do I hope for in 2007?

Better health without high blood pressure issues; less depression black spells and maybe a little less spasticity too. So basically we’re talking lose some weight for all of those. That my life will continue as it is now but that maybe I will find a new reserve on inner strength to make it easier. And that I might find the answers to the questions I ponder at the moment; the ones that make things hard for me and to which there does not appear to be any easy answer.

Less lofty goals for 2007 include hopefully going tall ship sailing again, making a huge dent into my books I’ve bought but not read pile and completing some more of my 101 in 1001 challenge.

Has 2006 been a good year for me? Yes, it has.

Sure there have been some blacker than black times and events I wish would never have happened. But I’ve done new things, been to new places and tried, succeeded at and loved some thing I never thought possible. 2006 took me on a journey I never imagined it would and it hasn’t been easy. but as Albus Dumbledore said in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire “There comes a time when you have to chose between what is right and what is easy.” And it’s been worth it.

Every. Single. Step. Of. The. Way.

A phrase I’ve heard many many many times is “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle but I just wish He wouldn’t trust me so much!”

Well that pretty much says it all today. But not for me. I wish my friends didn’t have so much to cope with because I’m on the outside of most of it and finding it hard to cope with… so how must they be doing?!?!

I said to my carer earlier that things will be ok because they have to be. Well, I’m sick of them being ok because they have to be. I’d like things to be OK and thats just it. No accepting it and making it ok because that is the direction things have taken and the only way forward is straight through. Just things happening and being really, truly, OK. Please. It’s not too much to ask is it?
My friend that I mentioned a few weeks ago who had the tumor removed? He is pretty sick but doing better than he was at the end of last week.

There are no gatherings the entire of my Dad’s side of the family, no laughter, no boxes of black magic being handed round. No homemade birthday cards on the mantelpiece and old banners and birthday pictures we had all made years ago hanging over the hatch between the sitting room and kitchen. No hugs, love you lots or Happy Birthdays. The floor isn’t covered in sparkly bright wrapping paper waiting to be ironed and reused and the side table next to her chair isn’t stacked with presents - evening primrose oil goodies, racing books and a fun shaped box of tissues. No teasing, good times or warm feelings.

Today is my Gran’s birthday. The first since she “fell asleep to wake with God” (I read that description in a children’s book). The first 3rd December since 1920 when my Gran wasn’t here on Earth with us to celebrate and be celebrated.

We can still celebrate who she was and is, safe in the knowledge that wherever she is now she is being feted and loved and celebrated. We can do it by remembering her, how she lived and what she taught us. By remembering the love and laughter, good times and bad. It’s just a shame that some of us have forgotten.

I love her and I miss her more than words can adequately express. But my wish today is not that she were back here with us for I know that cannot be. My wish is that we can all of us remember who she was, how she lived, what she taught us. And that we can eventually heal our hurting hearts and come together again to remember her as she would want us too.

Happy Birthday Gran. I love you.

I was looking for a quote about hope to share tonight because I feel very full of hope about my future and how things seem to be panning out of me at this present moment in time. I really do have a huge sense of peace and wellbeing and I realise looking at just how well I have handled things I expected to be difficult just how much of a role hope has played in this. The knowledge that everything will be ok and the hope that this belief is true I mean.

Well, this isn’t exactly a quote but I think it does express exactly what I want and need it too.

Four candles slowly burned. The ambiance was soft, one could almost hear them talking…

The first candle said, “I am Peace!” – “The world is full of anger and fighting. Nobody can keep me lit.” Then the flame of Peace went out completely.

he second candle said, “I am Faith!” – “I am no longer indispensable. It doesn’t make sense that I stay lit another moment.” Just then a breeze softly blew of Faith’s flame.

Sadly the third candle began to speak. “I am Love” – “People don’t understand my importance, so they put me aside. People even forget to Love the people nearest to them, I haven’t the strength to stay lit.”

And waiting no longer Love’s flame went out.

Suddenly…. A child entered the room and saw the three unlit candles…

Saying this the child began to cry…

The fourth candle answered “Don’t worry I am Hope!” – “While I am still burning we can still relight the other candles.”

With shinning eyes the child took the candle of Hope and relit the other candles…

The flame of Hope should never go out from your life.

…and with Hope each of us can live a life of Peace, Faith & Love!

~author unknown

If you think about the place I am in my life at the moment, that’s a pretty appropriate piece for me and reading it helped me a lot.

I’ve just put the computer on so I can lie down and listen to some MP3’s but thought I would update here quickly first.The funeral was today and it was an extremely long day. But, I feel we did her very very proud and said the best “See you sometime” that we could have.

Everything that was read/sung/prayed was so appropriate for her and I felt like while the Vicar did go off on a bit of a tangent at times (and Dad had thought he might) he talked a lot of sense, even if you don’t agree with the religious messages.

Two things from the service I wanted to post here:

This is a poem that the Vicar read out and I’m told was also read at my Grandad’s funeral (I can’t remember it from there)

Remember by Christina Georgina Rossetti

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more, day by day,
You tell me of our future that you planned;
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve;
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Apt, I thought. And something our darling Granny would tell us and want us to live by.

The second is a bible reading. What is in fact my favourite bible reading (I must admit here that I haven’t read much of the bible in probably 10 years). Again I think it suited Gran down to the ground and think is one that reaches people even if they are not religious.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

1For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.